In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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