Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
