They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
