All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
