My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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