Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
