my mouth tastes like poor choices
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
