I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
