your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
