i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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