If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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