Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
