note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
