I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
