I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
