I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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