I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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