i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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