youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
