so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
