Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
