it was like his penis was on wheels.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
