i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
