You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
