I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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