my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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