I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
