i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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