I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
