the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
