community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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