Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
