Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
