I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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