i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
