Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
