we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
now i know why i became what i already was.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
