I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
