Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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