I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
