i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
