i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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