Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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