One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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