who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
