How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm getting married
To pizza
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
