I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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