Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
