yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
