im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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