I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
