I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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