god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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