Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
